When To Call It Quits In A Relationship: 19 Critical Questions To Ask Before You Leave
DISCLAIMER: This is a general guide only, not relationship or legal advice.
Relationships can be challenging, but deciding when to end one can be even harder. While all relationships go through ups and downs, they should still feel safe, supportive, and enriching. Emotional intimacy, trust and mutual respect are essentials, not luxuries. Physical intimacy is also deeply important in most relationships, and if your needs no longer align, it can place a significant strain on the connection.
Having said that, there are many relationship challenges out there that lots of people have managed to overcome in a marriage or intimate relationship. However, it’s really about both individuals’ willingness to make it work and put in the needed time and effort. In some cases, though, it may be time to call it quits. We’ll look at some of the moments in life when it’s just not working, and a fresh start may be worth considering.
1. To start with, is it worth saving?
Before you call it quits, ask yourself: Is this a healthy relationship going through a rough patch? Or is it a bad relationship with a few okay days? There’s a big difference between enduring a hard time for the greater good and being stuck in a cycle of conflict, disappointment or harm.
Many long-lasting relationships experience periods of disconnection, stress or disagreements. But if it’s become a constant battle, if you’re sacrificing your wellbeing, feeling emotionally drained, or losing yourself entirely, it may be time to reevaluate.
2. What keeps you there, or stops you from wanting to leave?
Situationships, neglected partnerships and relationships of convenience have a way of falling apart from the inside, and yet, many people still choose to stay, half-heartedly at least. Or they may not even choose to stay; they may just not actively choose to go.
There are lots of reasons that people do this. Fear of being alone, dislike of change, financial pressure, avoidance of what’s going on, shared history or even guilt about how your partner will manage alone can make it incredibly hard to leave, even when you’re unhappy. You may also hold onto hope that things will change.
But ask yourself honestly, are you staying because of love, a shared commitment or common values? Or are you still there because of fear, or worse, indifference? Staying for the wrong reasons can do more harm in the long run. Trust that your happiness and emotional wellbeing matter, too. And who knows, they may be feeling the same, and ready to move forward.
3. Is it a ‘bad’ relationship, or are you going through a ‘bad’ time?
It’s easy to confuse the two. Life happens. When faced with grief, stress or financial strain, even the strongest couples may hit rough terrain. But bad times are temporary. Most great relationships will not only survive these times but often even grow stronger or deepen during and after challenges occur.
Negative relationships, on the other hand, usually have ongoing patterns that don’t seem to shift or improve, and it can feel like you are stuck going around in a vicious cycle. This may be due to wildly different values, a toxic connection or a lack of honesty; whatever the cause, they just don’t have a strong enough foundation to last. A rough patch can be weathered through communication, counselling and support. However, a relationship built on mistrust, hurt, fear or avoidance generally leads to more difficulties.
4. Are there major red flags?
Significant red flags aren’t just character flaws; they’re warnings to get out. Poor behaviour, emotional abuse, manipulation, threats or physical harm should never be excused or tolerated. No matter how much you care about someone, these types of behaviours are never your fault, and they rarely get better with time alone. If you’re experiencing abuse or are fearful of leaving, seek support immediately. Leaving might feel terrifying, but staying could be even more dangerous. If you are concerned about your wellbeing, there is support available.
5. Can you see a future ahead?
Ask yourself, ‘Can I imagine a future with this person that feels safe, fulfilling, and aligned with who I am becoming?’ Do you envision laughter, good times, and shared goals ahead, or can you see small tensions unresolved and growing larger, arguments on repeat, or living in hope that something (or someone) will change?
If the future you envision looks bleak, or worse, feels like a trap, it’s time to reconsider where you’re headed. If the path you see ahead no longer includes them, or vice versa, it’s probably a good idea to consider travelling alone.
6. Is it a healthy relationship?
Healthy relationships are built on trust, emotional intimacy, open communication, and mutual respect. If your relationship has often felt unbalanced, controlling, or unkind, it’s worth asking whether it’s healthy today, and if not, whether it was ever truly healthy. Sometimes, we stay because we want it to be better, even if the past tells a different story.
Sometimes we refuse to accept that a relationship has been running at a loss for some time. Be honest with yourself and ask, did this relationship help you grow, or did it mainly hold you back?
7. Has it been a long, tiring story of drama and constant conflict?
Every couple disagrees, but constant fighting and emotional chaos shouldn’t be the norm. If arguments escalate easily or small problems always lead to big blowups, it’s rarely passion; it’s more often instability, even for those who are naturally dramatic in expression.
Over time, this dynamic drains your energy and damages your wellbeing. A relationship should mostly bring calm, not emotional upheaval. If peace seems impossible, that’s a big sign to reassess. It’s important to gauge how you feel when you are with this person, because if the partnership leaves you feeling on edge or uncertain, something isn’t right.
8. Are you hoping serious personal issues can be fixed, but not seeing any change?
Plenty of couples face big life challenges and come through stronger, and perfection is absolutely not necessary to be loved. But sometimes issues like gambling addiction, untreated mental illness, serious health problems or destructive behaviours can’t be resolved within the relationship. Even if someone is doing their best to get help, it’s up to you to decide what you want to tolerate in your daily life.
It may also be that you are not the best person to support them at this time, or that they need some time to focus on their own stuff. If the situation is damaging or unsafe, it’s okay, and often wise, to step away for your own wellbeing. They may have wanted to improve or change to save the relationship, but it’s important for both people to look at the reality rather than a ‘what if’?
9. Do you have shared values and shared life goals?
Being in a partnership should be a healthy balance of self-growth and building a world together. Strong partnerships are based on mutual respect, aligned values and common goals. If things feel out of sync, it may help to reflect together on your priorities and try some future planning to strengthen your connection.
If you can’t seem to come up with anything aligned, or you have vastly different visions of what you want in life, you need to decide if you can compromise or are better off focusing on your own life.
10. Are your needs met, or have they been pushed to the sidelines?
We all deserve connection – emotionally, intellectually and physically. While one person is unable to meet all of your needs, it’s essential to have relationships that meet the needs of both sides, in a way that feels right to both people.
If you’ve been pushing your needs away, having them ignored or feeling disconnected, it might be time for a reality check. If you address this with your partner and it falls on deaf ears, it’s unlikely to improve. Sometimes, the healthiest move is stepping away when the relationship no longer meets what matters most to you.
11. Has physical intimacy faded?
A decline in physical intimacy is often a sign that something deeper is affecting the relationship. While acknowledging this can be confronting, it doesn’t always mean the connection is beyond repair. Open communication, mutual effort and a willingness to reconnect, emotionally and physically, can help reignite closeness.
However, if attempts to rekindle intimacy are met with disinterest or avoidance, it may signal the need to consider where the relationship is truly headed.
12. Is each person contributing?
Relationships thrive when both partners invest effort – emotionally, practically and financially. Contributions may look different, but shared commitment is key. If one person feels overwhelmed or unappreciated, it’s worth having an open conversation about balance, expectations and how you can support each other moving forward.
In long-term relationships, there will always be times when one person feels they are holding the fort, but there needs to be an overall sense of equilibrium. If there isn’t a way to adjust things, and the requirements are draining your energy, you need to ask yourself if it’s worth so much effort. If it doesn’t feel like it is, it may be time to call it quits.
13. Has respect left, or has resentment moved in?
Respect is a cornerstone of any healthy relationship. If it’s been replaced by frustration, broken promises or worse, simmering resentment, things can quickly spiral or stagnate. If you can’t work through these issues, the emotional stress will often damage the connection permanently. Forgiveness is essential in intimate partnerships, but sometimes it can be very hard to forgive and forget.
Relationship counselling or time bonding can offer a way through big feelings like this, if both people want to put the time and energy in. If that doesn’t work, it’s okay to realise that while making the decision to end a relationship isn’t easy, it’s sometimes the most respectful choice for everyone involved. Stepping back can create space for healing, clarity and a fresh start, especially when the alternative is continuing in a situation that no longer supports your wellbeing or growth.
14. Has love left the building?
Sometimes, despite our best efforts, love fades or changes in unexpected ways. If you feel that love is gone, it may be time to reflect on where you stand and whether it’s right to rebuild, seek support, or consider a new path forward. You can always work on improving a relationship, but if love doesn’t live there anymore, it’s wise to consider how you want the next phase of your life to unfold.
No one can make the decision for you, because you need to weigh up what’s right for you.
15. Are you staying for the kids?
Staying in an unhappy relationship ‘for the kids’ is common, but it can come at a cost. Children thrive in emotionally safe, loving environments. If your relationship is filled with tension, conflict or emotional distance, they will feel it too.
Sometimes, separating creates a healthier dynamic for everyone involved. The goal isn’t just to stay together but to model a respectful, loving relationship. Ask yourself, ‘What are my children learning about love by watching us?’ This is often a good indicator of the best way to move forward.
16. Is there still joy and laughter?
Laughter and light moments are often what carry couples through life’s challenges. If those moments have become rare, or feel forced, it may be a sign that emotional distance has crept in. While all relationships go through low points, a sustained absence of joy can signal deeper dissatisfaction.
Sometimes, reconnecting through shared interests or quality time can help rebuild that sense of ease. Other times, it becomes clear that the relationship no longer brings the happiness it once did. It may also be that one or both people are stressed, working long hours or even depressed. It’s important to look at the root causes before deciding on a break up where possible, as sometimes, some small adjustments or time together can make a seriously positive impact.
16. Are you staying for family, public or religious reasons?
Many people feel pressure to remain in a relationship because of cultural expectations, religious beliefs or concern for how others, especially children or extended family, might be affected. These are deeply personal considerations, but staying in an unhappy or unhealthy relationship out of obligation can lead to long-term emotional harm.
It’s important to ask whether staying truly serves everyone’s wellbeing, or if it’s preventing you from building a more honest and fulfilling future.
17. Are financial concerns keeping you in the relationship?
For many couples, shared investments, the rising cost of living, or fears about coping alone, especially when approaching retirement, can make separation feel out of reach. These concerns are valid and often complex, particularly when finances are closely tied.
In some cases, a practical starting point might be a trial separation under one roof, allowing you to plan your next steps while maintaining financial stability. With the right support, it’s possible to explore options that protect your wellbeing without rushing decisions that carry long-term consequences.
18. Are we just growing apart?
Sometimes it’s not one major event that changes a relationship, it’s the quiet drift. Different priorities, evolving values or simply the passing of time can create distance where there was once closeness. Growing apart doesn’t mean either person has failed. It may just mean that who you are now no longer fits as naturally as it once did.
It’s worth asking whether the gap can be bridged through honest conversation and shared effort. But if you’ve both changed in ways that no longer align, it might be time to acknowledge that the relationship has run its course. Letting go with care can sometimes be the most respectful choice for you both.
19. Irreconcilable differences? So, what’s next?
If you’ve decided to end the relationship, allow yourself to grieve. Feel the sadness, the guilt, even the relief – whatever surfaces is valid. This is a time for self-discovery, not blame. Begin to rebuild your life, not as a reaction to what’s ended but as a reflection of who you are becoming.
Heartbreak is rarely easy, but it doesn’t last forever. On the other side is healing, and eventually, the possibility of a connection that brings clarity instead of confusion, safety instead of fear – a relationship that feels right for you.
Looking at your own contributions
No relationship is without its flaws, and honest self-reflection is an essential part of understanding what’s happening between you. Ask yourself, ‘What am I bringing into this dynamic?’ Are there unresolved wounds, recurring patterns or behaviours you can recognise and work on? While this never excuses harmful actions from another person, it can help you grow, whether you choose to stay or move on.
Taking steps like therapy, self-care or having open, honest conversations can break unhealthy cycles and create space for positive change. Sometimes, that change happens within the relationship, and other times, it leads to a better path apart.
Before making any final decisions, consider:
- Talking openly about your concerns
- Spending time apart to gain perspective
- Attending couples or individual therapy
- Setting clear boundaries and goals
- Checking in with yourself: Are you growing or shrinking in this relationship?
If you’ve done the inner work and nothing shifts, that’s often a clear signal it’s time to let go.
Where to get help
You don’t have to face this alone. Support is available from a variety of sources, including:
- A family lawyer who can provide legal advice and guide you through your options
- A therapist or counsellor for emotional guidance and coping strategies
- Trusted friends or family members who can offer practical and emotional support
- Domestic violence hotlines and services if you are in danger or need urgent help
- Online resources such as 1800RESPECT for information and assistance
- Books, podcasts and courses focused on healthy relationships, personal growth and self-worth
Remember, self-care isn’t selfish; it’s essential for your wellbeing, especially during major life transitions. Reach out, take the support you need, and know that help is available.
Final words
Calling it quits is rarely easy, but sometimes it’s the bravest, most loving thing you can do. Not just for you, but for the other person too. A relationship should be a source of joy, connection and mutual growth. If it’s doing more harm than good, it’s okay to walk away. You’re allowed to choose your wellbeing.
Considering separation? Get the right advice first.
If you’re thinking about ending your relationship, don’t go it alone. Before making any big decisions, it’s important to understand your rights, especially regarding finances, property and parenting arrangements, because these matters can have long-term impacts on your life. Our experienced family lawyers can guide you through your options with clarity and care.
We’ll help you explore the legal aspects and practical steps of separation, so you can move forward confidently, knowing you’ve done it the right way. Whether you’re ready to separate or just need some pre-separation advice, we’re here to support you every step of the way.
Reach out today for a confidential consultation.
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